See How it Feels

It’s said, debate arose among Churchmen of Medieval Europe regarding the native language of man.  Greek or Latin?  When prayer, the study of scripture, Plato and Aristotle failed to address their question, the learned Clergy devised a scheme which, a millennia before the Renaissance, became a hallmark of Science: an experiment.

A group of newborns was isolated as never to hear human speech. Anticipating what researchers would label “extraneous variables,” the subjects would be fed, diapered and clothed but otherwise experience the barest minimum of human contact.   The hypothesis was, uncontaminated by hearing human speech, the subject would reveal humankind’s native tongue.  The outcome was indecisive.  The little subjects never spoke.  Denied meaningful human contact, nurturing, they just died.

A millennia down the road, economic and societal meltdown lead Bulgaria’s child welfare system to conditions eerily reminiscent of that–I hope apocryphal–Dark Age experiment.  In 2007 BBC exposed “Bulgaria’s Abandoned Children” to the world.  Vacant-eyed infants peering through steel cribs bars, rows of naked emaciated bodies nodding silently on cold plastic pots, legs barely able to support skin-and-bones frames, orphans scraping spoons in metal bowls, frantically competing for a last fragment of potato.  Overshadowed by the graphic horror of this disaster is, despite being warehoused cheek-by-jowl, total absence of physical contact, touch, talk, nothing resembling play.  Of course, the mental and emotional impact on these victims is profound.  In the “Daily Mail” Rosa Monckton reports, “Because of a lack of interaction, children in Bulgarian institutions grow slowly mad.”  With the tragedy exposed, organizations and individuals rushed to foster and adopt.

A documentary recounted the challenges confronting American families having the love and courage to take in these profoundly damaged little people.  Of many physical and emotional encounters between adoptee and adoptive parents, for me one stood out.  An out of control boy threw objects, broke pictures and mirrors, punched holes in walls.  When a desperate Mom tried to placate him the six- or seven-year-old punched her in the stomach, “See how it feels!”

For some time this ignominious act and exclamation puzzled me.  Here was a woman who, surely knowing life would be significantly impacted if not turned upside down by the gesture, knocked herself out, jumped through bureaucratic hoops and over hurdles, went to significant financial expense, and overcame unforeseen obstacles and challenges to rescuing a profoundly physically and emotionally stunted child, rewarded with a punch to the gut!  “See how it feels!”

See how what feels?  Lady in the big house, see how it feels to stare through steel crib bars for days on end.  Lady in the bed with its sweet-smelling comforter and  half-a-dozen pillows, see how it feels to lie in a moldering nightshirt on a dank mattress day and night.  Lady with cupboards, refrigerators, and freezers stocked with food to feed an orphanage for days, see how it feels to experience constant gnawing hunger, to fight over a handful of spoiled beans.  Lady on the gleaming white toilet in her antiseptic, porcelain and chrome bathroom, see how it feels to squat for hours on a plastic pot amid naked, emaciated, near-zombies swaying slowly back and forth.  See how it feels Lady!  See how it feels really to hurt!  See how it feels to suffer!

The Buddha taught life is suffering.  My life, and from my perspective other people’s, seems to bear this out.  What we do with suffering makes all the difference.  Mostly, we suck it up.  We’re Heroes.  We suffer in silence.  We’re patient.  To be “patient” is “to suffer.”  It’s why doctors have patients.  Sometimes the pain seeps out through passive-aggressive or vicarious means; we can be sneaky, mean.  A popular outlet for suffering is addiction.  To “addict” is “to assign or surrender.”  When life is too much we assign or surrender our pain to alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, heroine, work, money, success, relationship.

See how it feels is the tap-root of abuse: child abuse, spousal abuse, elder abuse, colleague abuse, employee abuse.  As if through perverse, crazy thinking we feel we can be rid of our suffering by giving it to someone else.  When the pain seems unbearable we punch somebody in the gut.  Sick, tired, injured, insulted, frightened or had a really bad day, some if us come home, curse, kick the dog, shout at the spouse, beat the kid.  Driven by madness some walk into a school, church or synagogue with an AK47!  See how it feels to hurt inside!

See how it feels America.  In your grand cities, with your skyscrapers, your streets crowded with cars, your sidewalks crowded with shoppers, your homes with  electric power, hot and cold running water, heating and air conditioning, see how it feels to live for generations in tents, mud huts, and refugee camps.  In your automobiles cruising streets and highways paved with asphalt stolen from beneath our feet, see how it feels to walk barefoot down rutted tracks.  In your Super Markets, shelves loaded with so much food a quarter is wasted, see how it feels to suffer from hunger, to die from starvation!  See how it feels to be marginalized, exploited, humiliated.

When we fly aircraft into your World Trade Center, see how it feels to have our city, one of the oldest on Earth bombed without provocation, its infrastructure destroyed, its citizens murdered, leaving us in perpetual economic and cultural chaos behind!

See How it Feels has a corollary: Misery Likes Company.  In the former case we let others, if not feel, at least know our suffering.  The latter offers prosaic if not perverse relief knowing others suffer.  The paparazzi and tabloids, “National Inquirer” and others capitalize on this.  Waiting at the checkout counter, with a sick kid and spouse just laid off, about to charge another weeks groceries to a nearly maxed-out VISA, a shopper finds fleeting consolation reading of “Hillary’s Breakdown,” “The Pope’s Love Child,” “Obama’s Porno Addiction,” “Tom Cruse Dying of Aids.”

Misery Likes Company found creative outlet when, in 1935, Bill W. and Bob S. expanded peer support from church, synagogue, Elks, Rotary and Masons to the broad world of suffering.  Over ensuing decades their Alcoholics Anonymous model was adopted by folks suffering from other drug addictions, mental illness, cancer, heart disease, diabetes, suicide prevention, those impacted by suicide and violent death, grief, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, Parents of Murdered Children and more.

With all of the above said, it’s important to point out we really don’t hurt others out of malevolent intent.  Whether we suffer in silence, find relief knowing we don’t suffer alone, or beat up on the next object or person in sight, for better or worse, the lion’s share of human behavior has unconscious roots.  We act out  of unconscious motivation, we don’t want to hurt others; we just want the suffering to stop.  Even the horrors inflicted by sociopaths are rooted in profound mentally illness.

It is important to know all is not lost.  There is hope.  One key to managing suffering, a hallmark of the Buddha’s teaching, is “Mindfulness.”  Thick Nhat Hanh puts it succinctly, “Practicing mindfulness I can recognize what is happening in the present without grasping or aversion.  I can practice mere recognition of what is going on within me and around me without judgment or reaction.  This helps me to keep stability and freedom alive within myself.”  Touching the Earth (P.22)

Two and a half millennia after the Buddha, Sigmund Freud defined the purpose of psychoanalysis, if memory serves, as “to make unconscious process conscious.”  It seems not too much of a stretch to call this “mindfulness.”  Over the ensuing century psychiatry, psychology and counselors have helped millions find, if not total, significant relief from mental and emotional suffering.  Psychiatrists Dr. Eugene Chernell and Dr. Patrick Freehill saved my life.

Eastern practices of Tai Chi, Yoga and acupuncture have helped Westerners experience mind-body connection significantly effective in relieving stress.  Today in American homes, groups, schools, and hospitals, meditation gains significant traction.

If we screw up our courage and confront the ghosts who, for decades, have grumbled and stirred in the attic, if we are brave enough to climb the ladder, push open that little door in the ceiling and shine a light up there, what do we see?  Dust and cobwebs.  What we thought were ghosts are imaginary, parasites with no power.  The only power they seem to have is the power we choose to give them.  They never existed!

Who’s Driving?

Seeing eight decades in the rearview mirror, I realize this aged body is a machine, a motorcar–quaint term, motorcar, you don’t hear it today–a highly complex assemble of parts and processes performing with unnoticed and unappreciated precision.  And life is a road race, like Le Mans.

It’s all here: engine, transmission, frame, running gear, cab, seats, the works.  With fuel, an occasional oil change and tune-up, despite blow-outs and dents, a burst radiator hose, a broken fan belt, near-fatal crashes and a major overhaul, over three-quarters of a century my little race car sped with precision and dependability I have no right to expect.

For something like a  million miles my 1937 Alfa Romeo–Ferrari’s predecessor–powered around hairpin curves and up steep grades, fender-to-fender with the swiftest.  Now it struggles just to keep up.  The bearings are loose, the engine strains, the radiator leaks.  Decades of grit, pebbles and stones leave the body weathered, scratched, dented.  Uncounted impacts of bug, bird, sleet and hail leave the windscreen glazed.

With the finish line lurking around every curve it seems prudent to ease up on the accelerator, to retire from racing.  Before I run head-on with a semi, drive ‘er over a cliff, or coast slowly to the side of the freeway, it’s time to slow down, way down.  Besides focusing intently on the road ahead, it’s time to look around, inside and out, appreciate what, caught up in the chase, I missed.  It’s never too late to enjoy the ride.

Oh, I almost forgot!  The big rarely asked and for me never answered question: Who’s driving?

————————————————-

For this I’m wholly in debt to the Buddha’s two-and-half-millennia old wisdom.

What Next?

Water, water, every where,
And all the boards did shrink;
Water, water, every where,
Nor any drop to drink.
The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner
Samuel Taylor Coleridge

The Mariner’s option was sea water.  We have choices: water from a faucet or plastic bottle.  Despite the cheapest, safest municipal drinking water on Earth, Americans increasingly choose the latter.  Why?  Because Nestle, Coca Cola, Danone, and PepsiCo sell it.  As I’ve said, this worries me.

In “Stuff” I expressed Angst around drinking-water in plastic bottles.  This current rant was triggered on learning that, despite 80,000 arguments against versus 75 in favor, Michigan’s Department of Environmental Quality approved Nestle’s, the largest food and beverage company on earth, petition to increase production of free, plastic-bottled well-water from over a quarter- to over a half-million gallons a day.  While, for unrelated factors, Flint citizens are forced to buy water which may well come from beneath their feet.

We assume well or spring water is “pure,” but is it any more-so than Boston’s, Kansas City’s, Denver’s, or Los Angeles’s municipal water?  The fact is, much of the water in the avalanche of plastic bottles on Supermarket and Quick-Stop shelves comes from municipal spigots!  Read the fine print.  To appear healthy and scientific it’s “filtered,” “oxygenated.”  For fastidious consumers it’s “vapor distilled” with “electrolytes” “antioxidants” even vitamins.  But a huge volume of the bottled water on folks’ counters comes from faucets little different than from the one in the kitchen sink two feet away.

Then there’s plastic.  In Nestle’s Mecosta County, Michigan, factory–one of over a hundred–pellets from 125 ton silos are turned into plastic bottles.  On ZDNet Andrew Nusca reports Americans throws away 2.5 million plastic bottles an hour!  If my math serves–it’s an eye-crossing row of zeros–the number approaches 22 billion bottles a year!  Plastic bottles to litter sidewalks, streets, highways, parks, forests, deserts and tundra; foul streams, rivers, seashores and oceans, and never disintegrate!  Again, do we need water in plastic bottles?  Of course not.  It’s because of jaded Americans like me and corporate profit!

What next, air?

Rest assured, PepsiCo, Nestle, and the others’ have plans in place to park cargo ships at the Weddell Sea ice sheet, lay an eight-inch line a thousand miles south, suck air to compressors, fill those big steel containers with ten liter canisters and steam north with “South Pole Air” which Amazon, Costco, and Wal-Mart will market.  An individual one day supply for  $9.95 or monthly delivery for $250.  Fed-Ex and UPS are ordering vans fited for various size canisters.

Not just the South Pole.  Oh no!  Contracts are being negotiated for North Pole, Sahara, Amazon, Congo, Himalayan, and Mongolian operations, “Arctic Breeze,” “Zephyr,” “Mountain Morning,” “Jungle Calm.” And not just continental air.  How about Mid-Pacific, Mid-Atlantic, Mid-Bearing Sea, Mid-Indian Ocean air?  Picking up on flavored water, they’ll add scent: “ice-cold,” “sandstorm,” “plumaria,” “high-altitude,” “desert sunrise,” “tropic breeze.”  The options and profits are limitless!

Will the time come when those who can afford it wear a mask or those little forked numbers stuck up their nostrils piping air from floral, cartoon, or camo designer, for conservatives breathers just plain gray or blue, cylinders strapped to our backs?

How cool is that?

 

I Feel Sorry

I had an epiphany.  I feel sorry for Donald Trump.  Hold on Liberal Buddies; hear me out.  I ain’t lost it, not yet.  Apart from concern over how best to manage folks entering or trying to enter our country without permission, I disagree with President Trump’s politics and policies across the board.  That’s not what I’m talking about.

W.C. Fields said, “I feel sorry for a man who doesn’t drink.  It must be depressing to wake up every morning and know that’s the best you’ll feel all day.”  While  fear and its offspring anger are integral to the human condition, I feel sorry for anyone who seems captive to unexamined emotions.  To start each morning Tweeting antipathy and recrimination, knowing that’s the best you’ll feel all day, has to be painful.

In The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump a woman is quoted, “I want my country back.”  Seeing a mostly-white populace take on color, “traditional” Americans are alarmed.  President Trump articulates some white-skinned citizens’ fear of loosing control.

I feel sorry for the backdrop of folks in red baseball caps laughing and applauding as their Man hurls baseless accusations, attacks, and insults at all who do not march in lock-step behind his beliefs and policies.  As he vilifies both adversary and ally, publicly mocks a handicapped critic, labels a United States Senator “Pocahontas” for claiming Native American roots and more, much more.  Are the red-baseball-cap fans amused or ashamed on hearing their Hero boast of groping women, called a young lady “Miss Piggy,” or Haiti and Africa s—- hole countries?

(Trump’s motto, “Make America Great Again!”  My question, “When wasn’t it?”)

I feel sorry for the folks who feel dispossessed and marginalized, who suffer the cancers of misogyny, homophobia, Xenophobia, and racism.  President Trump’s irresponsible rhetoric stirs up and, most alarming, legitimizes their fear, anger, and hate!  Two years back the KKK, White Nationalists, and Neo-Nazis were less conspicuous.  Today they riot in our streets, maim and kill innocent people with an automobile, massacre synagogue worshippers.  Apart from mouthing boilerplate condolence, President Trump seems unwilling or, more troubling incapable, of feeling and expressing heart-felt sympathy and compassion for their victims.  Like all of us, these citizens are free to express their beliefs and protests through civil discourse and political process.  Mayhem and murder are never acceptable.

I feel sorry of human suffering.  That’s what I’m talking about.

My Devil and Angel

We’ve seen the cartoon character with a Devil on one shoulder and an Angel on the other.

For me on one shoulder,
Ignorance,*
breeds superstition,
growing into fear,
triggering anger and hatred.

On the other,
Wisdom,
based in truth,
brings understanding,
expressed as compassion and love.

*Ignorance not in the pejorative sense, but as “to ignore,” lack knowledge, fail to understand.

Live Theater

Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more.  It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
–Macbeth, Act V, scene v
–William Shakespeare

Morose sentiments notwithstanding, the life’s work of he who penned these lines is testament to a profound conviction in Life’s significance!

Using props, “business,” and dialog, theater tells a story.  But hiding in plain sight, on the chairs and sofas, beneath the strutting and fretting, driving the sound and fury, is an essence making valid theater compelling.

As always, Shakespeare’s metaphor is spot on.  Life is theater.  We have props.  Oh, do we have props!  Life’s props are “Stuff”–I’ve expressed my feelings about “Stuff”–sofas, chairs, clothes; cars, locomotives, Space Stations; lap-tops, cell phones, TV’s.  In no small measure our props, our stuff, defines who we are.  And the “busy-ness!” Oh, the busy-ness: scurrying, speeding, scheming, working, playing, fighting, killing, rarely still.  And dialog?  Oh, do we talk.  Life’s dialog, or for some of us more precisely, monologues, puts the cumulative words in the Library of Congress, the world’s libraries, every book ever written, to shame.  Live or in writing, as testified here, monologue may be my greatest sin.  If memory serves, Robert Service wrote, “No doubt the Devil grins at these seas of ink I splatter.  God forgive my literary sins.  The other kind don’t matter.”

Life’s props, business, and dialog bring to mind Blaise Pascal, “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”

My dad was manager and lineman for a Rural Electric Association (REA) Co-op in northeast Utah.  Friday, April 13th, 1945–yes, Friday the thirteenth!–he went out to repair a power outage at the Hanna Store, climbed a utility pole, and touched a seventy-two kilovolt line.  A few hours later, Mama told Judy and me, “We don’t have a Daddy any more.”  Ten days after my eighth birthday.

Bereft of one of the most important people in life, for over two decades I was a ship without a rudder.  School grades were mediocre.  I played lead in a half-dozen plays, co-edited the yearbook, was the fastest kid at South Emery High, and graduated with no clue to a future.

Lacking a reliable male model, from bits and pieces I cobbled together what a man seemed to be.  With a Bachelor’s from Brigham Young, I spent three miserable years in the United States Army, then moved to Alaska.  Despite good friends and a good-enough life, around age thirty I thought, “If I died now, I’d look back and say, ‘What the hell was all that about?'”

Dr. Eugene Chernell, a Psychiatrist, said, “I don’t want you to flush you life down the tube.” The man saved my life.  Thanks to Dr. Chernell’s brilliance, I married Karen, became a successful Registered Professional Land Surveyor, raised Bryan, Dawn, and Marty, earned a Master’s in Psychology, volunteered for over thirty years at The Dougy Center for Grieving Children and Families, ran over a hundred and sixty races, seven marathons.  Thanks to Dr. Chernell’s, Karen’s and my work, after eight decades on planet Earth life is good.

So what’s this hide-in-plain-sight thing the Bard and even poor Macbeth knew, what true artists know, what Dr. Chernell knew, what I lost sight of when Daddy died?  What, thanks to a man’s wisdom and love, I recaptured?

It’s the absolutely vital piece, the often–perhaps too often–unnoticed piece behind Life’s Comedy and Tragedy.  It moves genuine theater beyond mere entertainment and makes Life not “a tale told by and idiot”?

Relationship!  Life is significant; people matter!  It’s the push-me and pull-you, the confusion and conflict, the agony and joy, the love and hate, that comes from living with human beings.  What matters, what really matters, and ironically makes me most happy, is caring for other people’s wellbeing, their happiness, loving them almost as much as myself.  Human relationship makes theater worth watching and Life worth living!

Mindfulness Revisited

This is a repeat, because it bears repeating–a dozen times a day.  I routinely forget, mindfulness is key to my mental health.  The quotes may not be exact; close enough for an antique memory.

Whatever happens I will create no more problems.
I will create no more pain for myself.
The Power of Now
Eckhart Tolle

If we don’t look into hope and fear, seeing a thought arise, seeing the chain reaction that follows, if we don’t train ourselves to sit with that energy without being snared by the drama, then we’re always going to be afraid.
When Things Fall Apart
Pema Chodron

Practicing mindfulness I can recognize what is happening in the present without grasping or aversion.  I can practice mere recognition of what is gong on within me and around me without judgment or reaction.  This helps me to keep stability and freedom alive within myself.
Touching the Earth
Thich Nhat Hanh

The though manifests as the word;
The word manifests as the deed;
The deed develops into habit;
And habit hardens into character;
So watch the thought and its ways with care,
And let it spring from love
Born out of concern for all beings.  .  .  .

As the shadow follows he body
as we think, so we become.
The Dhammapada
(Saying of the Buddha)

A new, more prosaic one:
It’s hard to remember your assigned to drain the swamp,
when you’re up to your ass in alligators!
(I picked this up many years back.)